The 20 Dumbest Things I Did During My First Week As A Father

Looking back as a father at my first week is all I can do is shake my head. I made quite a lot of mistakes. During the first week so many things came out of my mouth the literally always make me flush with embarrassment. Years later, now that as a parent I am fairly confident, I can actually look back on that week and laugh … So, to ensure I never forget how far I came, here are the 20 dumb things I did as a dad during my first official week: 20. Looking back at the monitors in the delivery room, watching the numbers rise and fall, and clearly telling my wife, “OH Man, you’ve just had a contraction. A Major ONE.”

Because she already already knew this, did she? 19.  I’m really, really glad that I’ve insisted on staying with my wife and new baby in hospital for the three full days they’ve been admitted. I’m not happy I just put one extra T-shirt in the overnight bag of my wife and looked (and smelled) like a greasy drifter all the time. 18. I shouldn’t hate any medical team member as they went to my wife’s unplanned C-section in the operating room.

If I had done more work, I would have learned that it was a common practice to prohibit the companion from joining the OR for the first few minutes when the patient is being prepared. Instead, I stood outside the room and laughed at the men like a brat who were basically going to take in their hands the lives of my entire family. (Five minutes later, they let me).  I got fully undressed, apart from boxers and shoes, when they gave me the scrubs to wear in the OR I figured that was the way it was done.

Yet, the SECOND the C-section was done, a greedy nurse demanded the scrubs back and for 10 minutes I had to run away from my new family and look for my real clothes.  I submitted images of my wife, post-operative, holding our daughter without first showing her the pictures. It was … wow, the error of rookies. I bought the pictures from a “private” hospital photographer. These remain the WORST photos my very photogenic daughter has taken EVER.

I figured I understood how my wife decided to write out the name of our daughter As, it turns out, we had TOTALLY different views on the subject and it was a really uncomfortable discussion for the poor hospital administrator keeping witness versions of the birth certificate.

I had nobody search our car in the car park when we were admitted

And that was at Michigan in November. As a result, the car stalled on our drive home five times because, if you didn’t know, driving home with a new baby for the first time is the stress equivalent to pushing a truck full to nitro through the “The Hurt Locker” speed bump zone.

I tried to give my wife advice on B-feeding

There are no words there.

I hypothesized that the baby should spend much of her time in her crib

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAWA.

When our family said they would support us for the first two weeks, I figured they would make us eat and do our laundry while we were having a bond with our baby

They literally caught the baby and let us produce our own food and do our own laundry.

I reviewed my email to work

In conversations I dropped phrases like “as a mom” WAY more frequently than socially appropriate

As I didn’t have any other suggestions.

I never explored baby-relieving strategies with every other parent

Including my own — all of whom saw SO much more than I did.

I never gave up on swaddling

I ate huge, gross fast food (delivered by a friend) in front of my wife who had just opened her inside a few days ago.

I have blamed “gas” on any baby tantrum

I figured I knew just how to mount a car seat

When a female state trooper we knew my installation job was inspected and instantly pulled about five feet of slack out of the seatbelt which I proceeded to refer to as “rock solid.”

I hadn’t taken enough photos

I have not put any of the stories down. I have not registered enough of the crazy, Crazy week’s highs and lows.

Everything I did was stupid

What I did was stupid and uninformed, under-researched, sincere and emotional and insane. But when you’re a new parent, that’s pretty normal, so cut me off a little slack.

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I am a passionate content writer, who love to write on love, music, celebrity news, and other news stories. Writing is my passion and I really love my job, during writing I also make sure that we do the right thing, presenting the right story with no fake or exaggerated content. I have been writing for the last 7-years and will continue to do the same for rest of my life.

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